The Curse of Being Uchiha
by lilkyonkyon
Summary: Itachi knows that his end is coming, but Sasuke has yet to make a move. Getting desperate, he kidnaps all of Sasuke's suspected love interests, hoping at least one is worth saving to Sasuke. His plan, of course, backfires. Crack!fic. Rated for innuendo. Oneshot.


As I was writing this, I came across a story with a hugely similar title and the same kind of idea. I didn't read it… but I hope it's not the same as the other author's story, because that would suck for both of us…

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**The Curse of Being Uchiha**

"Ha ha," Itachi intones dryly.

"It's true. Your brother doesn't give a rat's ass about any of them." Kisame sips his tea calmly. "They're all crazy. You might as well fall on a tantou and get it over with."

The two of them are sitting in the kitchen at Akatsuki headquarters. Their self-assigned mission in Konoha—well, Itachi's self-assigned mission; Kisame simply came along to help—hadn't taken long at all, and they are now relaxing after a night's work. While Itachi scrawls his prisoners' names on a clipboard, his partner watches him with amused interest. Occasionally, he raises his cup to his lips, but for the most part he scoffs at Itachi's plan.

"It won't work," he continues gruffly. "I'm pretty sure you scarred your brother for good in the love department."

"My brother will come," the Uchiha insists as he finishes the last name. "He has to come. He swore his vengeance. This is just a little… nudge."

"Kidnapping — what was it? — _four_ rumored love interests isn't a nudge, Uchiha. I believe it's called desperate. Or psychotic, maybe."

"He will come."

Kisame shrugs. "Whatever. Just don't come crying to me when you find out all of your hostages aren't what you're looking for."

With a resigned sigh, Itachi pushes himself away from the table and rises. "I must go check on their well-being, and ensure they are not entertaining the idea of escaping," he says before he stalks out of the room. A few quick turns brings him to his wing of the household, where his bedroom is situated, along with the four other guest rooms he has outfitted especially for his… _visitors_. Under the guise of checking on their health, Itachi wishes to meet his brother's four supposed love interests in person, and get to know them before his (hopefully) timely death.

He has high expectations for the first prisoner on his list, despite the fact that she ranks at only an eight percent chance of being his little brother's love interest. It is her blood that makes her a match — as a Hyuuga, Hinata is gifted with the Byakugan, a distant relative of the Sharingan. It is possible that a mingling of such distinguished family lines will result in very powerful children, a great continuation of the Uchiha line.

Besides, from what he has observed of her, he thinks that she is as adorable as his younger brother.

"Hinata-san," he calls as he raps his knuckles on the door. He does not hear any protest, so he opens the door and glides inside. She is sitting calmly on her bed, twining her long purple hair in her fingers. Itachi likes purple.

"Hinata-san," he repeats, "I have come to see if you are comfortable here."

Her white eyes snap up in surprise, and a blush spreads across her entire face. Itachi is momentarily taken aback. He has never seen a blush spread so quickly before.

"Aa, I am perfectly fine! B-but—"

"Yes?"

"Uchiha-san, why did you kidnap me?"

Well, he may as well explain. He clears his throat and primly replies, "I have devised a trap for my little brother that centers on you."

She blinks at him. "Sasuke-san?"

"Yes."

"And me?" This time, her voice squeaks.

"Yes."

She promptly faints. His first reaction is to be grateful that she fainted on the cot. Then, concerned, he moves closer to her and leans down to check for breathing.

Just as she's waking up.

Her head collides with his, temporarily causing him to lose his awareness. Bright black spots dance in his vision—is that even possible?—and he groans softly, his head pitching forward. He gives it a few small, quick shakes to rid himself of the cobwebs, but his cheeks are assaulted with… fur? Itachi forces his eyes open. There's darkness, but that's nothing new. No, what's new is the tan coat. He tugs his head back and realizes that Hinata had been holding his head against her chest.

They both freeze.

In the blink of an eye, Itachi plasters himself against the wall. If possible, Hinata's face has turned an even darker shade of red. "_Why did you do that?_" he asks, and although it sounds steady, it's the most frantic he's ever sounded in his life.

"I-I-I was trying to help you!" she wails, burying her face in her hands.

"Did I just…?"

Her wailing grows louder, and he takes that as a confirmation. "I'm sorry!" she cries through her hands. "I d-didn't—"

"I… shall go now…." Awkwardly, he rushes out the door and presses it shut.

Now he hopes that Hinata is _not_ Sasuke's love interest, because if she is, he will have taken advantage of her before his dear brother. Itachi is about to shake his head again, but upon remembering the prior incident, he settles for rubbing his temple with his fingers instead. After he calms down, he returns to his list.

Next on the clipboard is… oh yes. He steps up to the door of the second prisoner, a girl his brother's age by the name of Yamanaka Ino. She is highly skilled in mind manipulation. Judging by his research, Itachi calculates that Ino has a mere one percent chance of being his younger brother's love interest. While slight, however, he does not wish to leave any stone unturned to find his dear brother.

His initial impression is that he does not like her. As soon as he passes through the door, she demands to be set free, threatening him with a tightly clenched fist. Her hair and clothing are impractical to the point of absurdity. In essence, she is so unlike a kunoichi that he could laugh. (But he doesn't, as he is not fond of laughing.) Instead, he watches her from the other side of the room, softly asking her if she needs anything to make her stay more comfortable.

Ino drops her fist and openly gapes at him, as if seeing him for the first time. "Are you… are you Itachi?" she asks after a pause.

He gives her a slow nod. She is likely familiar with his name and reputation from Sasuke, so he sees no other reason to intimidate her. He hopes that she will be more obedient now that she knows with whom she is dealing.

Itachi is about to take his leave when she takes a small, cursory step closer. "I like your nail polish," she comments randomly. Itachi hesitates. She strangely isn't acting frightened. Instead, she seems to be inching even closer to him, and he watches her movements warily.

"Ino-san, do not entertain the idea of escaping. I assure you that I could find you in a matter of moments."

"Ooh, is that a dare?" She grins wickedly and winks at him, and he actively resists the urge to take a large step backwards. After all, this is a fifteen-year old girl. She is nowhere near as strong as he is; he could incapacitate her in a moment. Therefore, there is absolutely no reason for him to want to tear off screaming into the next room. He blinks, _and she is_ _still moving towards him_.

Then something hits him — she no longer appears threatening. She looks like she is… how should he put it? As in… she seems interested in pursuing him as a… a _romantic _interest. The revelation nearly stops his heart, because whatthe_ hell_? She _knows_ that he has murdered almost all of his own family, defected from Konoha, and on top of that, he has just kidnapped her and locked her in a holding cell.

Quickly, he resorts to holding off her advancing form with a single foot to her chest. "Please control yourself," he says detachedly, as if she _isn't_ watching him like a particularly delicious meal. "You appear to be exhibiting extreme symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome."

"You sound so _sexy_ when you say it like that," she whispers excitedly. Itachi nearly chokes on the irony.

"I must check on the other prisoners," he bursts, thankfully keeping his blank façade in place even as he scrambles towards the door.

"Wait! When will you come back—" He slams the door in her face and locks it completely, his breathing erratic. First the young Hinata-san, and now Ino-san. Itachi is beginning to wonder if the two girls had conspired earlier in order to get back at him.

And then he realizes there are still two more to go.

The blood drains from his face, and he once again finds it hard to breathe. Kisame was right, after all. The prisoners are, in his experience, completely insane. Maybe it's just Konoha, or the profession in general, but right now, Itachi would rather not think about it as he is already approaching the next door. He glances down at the list.

Haruno Sakura.

Without delay, he knocks and enters.

So, this was her, the girl his younger brother was forty-six percent likely to be involved with. He supposes she's pretty. And he does like pink, almost as much as he likes purple. Her hair is short, her eyes are hard, and she looks ready to kill. Finally, a capable kunoichi. And one that doesn't look like she wants to take advantage of him.

She sees him enter and immediately confronts him. "Let me out of here, you jerk, or I'll pummel you into the ground!" the girl barks, raising her fist to threaten him. He can see the crackling of chakra around her knuckles.

"I did not capture you to hurt you, Sakura-san. I am merely using you as bait."

This causes her to hesitate, and her eyes to darken. She finally whispers, "For Sasuke."

He doesn't answer because he knows it is not a question. He asks instead, "Is your room satisfactory?"

"I know who you are," she bursts. "You're Itachi, Sasuke's evil older brother!"

"Correct."

"Let me _go_!" In a fit of rage, she punts the bed, turning its metal frame into a twisted hunk of steel. Impressive. But, of course, she does not frighten him.

"Sakura-san, please calm down," he murmurs, stepping closer to right the bed. Her breathing is harsh, poor thing; she is probably overwhelmed with her situation. After the cot is remedied, he straightens up in front of her and checks her name off of his list. "If you do not need anything, Sakura-san, I will leave. I must _mmph_!"

It takes a microsecond for Itachi to realize what has happened. One moment, he looks up to say goodbye, and the next, she is kissing him. Her fingers are tangled in his hair, and her tongue is massaging his bottom lip. He knows this because he is a ninja, not because the kiss lasts long. In fact, he shoves her away as soon as he gathers his bearings, using all of the strength he can summon. The push sends her flying head-first into a wall and mercifully knocks her out cold.

Although he's the tiniest bit remorseful, he's largely relieved. After all, _kissing a captive_ is not on his checklist, and he feels sullied by her actions. Had she been planning that the entire time? Trying to act violent and furious when, in fact, she had wanted to… to jump him from the very beginning? Itachi starts to regret his decision to kidnap these alleged love interests. All of them are psycho. He scans her for any injuries that might need attention, and then he takes his leave, locking the door behind him. He wedges a chair under her doorknob as an extra precaution, though, just in case she was faking it.

Exhaling slowly, Itachi wipes his brow and finds he has been sweating. Today's… _experiences_ have probably shortened his lifespan even further. He only hopes that the last prisoner is not like the former three. He might just keel over and die from shock otherwise.

Because, well, the fourth prisoner isn't like the others. Itachi felt it only fair to diversify. Where the other three prisoners are more feminine and refined, the fourth is tough, trained, and much deadlier with a kunai.

Itachi glances down and notices that his hand is trembling. He does not want to risk a confrontation with this prisoner, not at all. But duty often outweighs sentiment, at least in his book, and so Itachi stalks to the fourth and final door, rapping on the wood lightly to announce his presence before entering.

He is relieved to find the boy still strapped down in the chair.

Yes, boy.

Itachi, having been absent for a large span of his younger brother's life, hadn't been sure if Sasuke was… necessarily… _interested_ in women. Which is perfectly fine, really it is. Itachi loves his younger brother enough to accept him under any and every circumstance, including that particular one.

It's just… well, why choose that obnoxious blond boy, Naruto? There were so many better options in the village, like the sophisticated Hyuuga Neji or the brilliant Nara Shikamaru. Yet all of his information has told Itachi that the blond chained to the chair in front of him is one of his brother's four likely love interests, and with a whopping forty-four percent chance, he beat out almost all of the female prisoners.

"Can you let me out of this _now_?" the boy snaps, completely and rudely ignoring common courtesy. Itachi finds it hard not to reprimand him.

"Is there anything you need in order to make your stay more comfortable?" he asks instead.

Naruto bowls right over his inquiry. "I swear, when I get out of these ropes, I'll kill you with my bare hands! You didn't even let me finish my bowl of ramen, you bastard! And where are you keeping the others? You'd better not have hurt them, or I swear —"

Itachi thinks about the other three horrors that are sitting in the compound, and he rather quickly sits on Naruto's bed, breathing harshly. This action was enough to cut off Naruto's rant.

"Uh, Itachi no baka?" Naruto asks uneasily. "You… okay?"

After a few deep breaths, he slowly asks, "The other girls, Naruto-san… are you familiar with them?"

Naruto raises one of his eyebrows inquisitively. "Yeah. Why?"

"Are they often very… _forward_ with you?"

"Huh?" The mere thought causes Itachi to flush. And, suddenly, Naruto _knows_. "Figures," he grumbles, earning a surprised stare from his kidnapper.

"What do you mean, it 'figures'?"

"You're an Uchiha," he states. "All girls fall in love with Uchiha." He could have been stating the time, he was so blunt.

Itachi merely blinks at him. "I'm afraid I do not understand you."

The boy sighs and sits back in his chair, appearing to be a frustrated parent explaining something to his child. If the rope weren't there, he'd even have his hands resting patiently on his knees. "You are Uchiha Itachi. All girls love Uchiha. Therefore, all girls love you. You could — I don't know — strangle their puppies and they'd probably think it was hot."

Itachi does not hear this last sentence, as he had already begun to have a panic attack. The blond, tied down, can do nothing but look on compassionately as the older boy slowly regains his composure.

"How could this have happened?" he asks after he steadies his breathing.

"Dunno. Sasuke-teme has it too. I can only think of one girl that hates him… and that might be because she secretly likes him." Comfortingly, Naruto adds, "It's some kind of super power, I think."

"You mean curse," Itachi corrects him dully.

Naruto shoots him a sympathetic look. "You know, you could let them go and just keep me. Sasuke won't leave me here forever."

Itachi, who only moments before had his head cradled weakly in his hands, snaps his head up so fast he could've given himself whiplash. "You mean…?"

The blond looks back blankly.

"You mean that you and Sasuke…?"

"We what?"

"You're… a couple?"

Itachi realizes belatedly that it was exactly the wrong thing to say.

"ME AND THAT TEME TOGETHER? AS A COUPLE? NO WAY! I'D RATHER KISS A FROG, AND I KNOW A LOT OF FROGS! I'D NEVER EVEN CONSIDER GETTING TOGETHER WITH THAT BASTARD SASUKE, NOT FOR ALL THE RAMEN IN THE WORLD! I WOULD NEVER LEAVE SAKURA-CHAN FOR SUCH AN ARROGANT, SELFISH, SNAKE-OBSESSED MORON!" In his fury, Naruto manages to sever his binds, but he is too enraged to even notice. Mildly alarmed at the surge of red chakra from his captive, Itachi backs out of the door and silently shuts it.

As he glides back to his room, Itachi remembers Kisame's joke earlier. He is surprised to note that it now sounds like a perfectly acceptable alternative. Pensive, he slips inside the door and shuts it, ensuring that it is firmly locked before he relaxes.

Sasuke had better hurry.

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Even after all these years between writing it and editing it, I still laugh aloud. Hope you enjoyed too. Please review!


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